Ep 60 | How to Give Words to Your Deepest Wants and Desires with Anna Sansom

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What happens when the stories we've been told about sexuality and aging start to unravel?

What if the truth of our pleasure has nothing to do with youth and everything to do with the courage to get curious?

I recently had the most beautiful conversation with Anna Sansom, a multi-published erotic author and creative provocateur whose work challenges outdated narratives around sex, desire, and identity. Anna brings refreshing honesty to what it means to own our sexuality through every chapter of life, and her insights completely shifted how I think about pleasure in midlife.

When Scripts Don't Fit, Curiosity Takes Over

Anna's story started with something many of us can relate to - feeling like she didn't fit the prescribed narrative. Growing up in the 1980s UK as a woman attracted to other women, she couldn't find her experience reflected anywhere in mainstream culture. But here's what's beautiful: instead of seeing this as a limitation, it became her greatest gift.

Without Hollywood scripts or fairy tale endings to follow, Anna developed something far more powerful - relentless curiosity about her own desires and experiences. This taught me something profound: when we can't rely on cultural scripts, we're forced to get curious about our own truth. And that curiosity becomes the foundation for authentic sexual expression.

The lesson here: If you feel like your sexuality doesn't match what you see represented around you, that's actually an invitation to get more curious about what's true for you.

Menopause Doesn't Have to Mean Sexual Death

Like so many of us, Anna hadn't given much thought to how menopause would affect her sexuality. Her early 40s were incredibly expansive sexually. Then perimenopause hit like a freight train - anxiety she'd never experienced, confidence that felt shattered, a complete shift in how she related to her body.

But instead of accepting this as "just how it is now," Anna got even more curious. She started asking herself: What matters to me in this moment? How can I still explore and express myself fully, even when everything feels different?

This is where I learned about what Anna calls "desire for desire" - maintaining your intention to be a sexual being, even when specific desires feel unclear or absent. It's not about forcing arousal or pretending everything's fine. It's about holding onto your identity as someone worthy of pleasure, regardless of what your body is doing on any given day.

The Revolutionary Act of Naming What You Want

One moment in our conversation stopped me in my tracks. Anna asked a simple question that most of us have never truly answered: What do you want?

Not what you think you should want. Not what your partner wants. Not what magazines tell you to want. What do YOU actually want?

Anna shared that when she asks this question in her workshops, people often freeze. We've been so conditioned to focus on everyone else's needs that exploring our own feels foreign, even selfish.

But here's what Anna taught me: when we expand our definition of intimacy and eroticism beyond the narrow scripts we've been given, suddenly "what I want" becomes much richer. Sometimes it's being held. Sometimes it's having the side of your neck lightly caressed. Sometimes it's being left completely alone.

Try this: Set aside ten minutes to write about what you want. Start with "I want..." and keep going, even if you begin with "I don't know." Let yourself surprise yourself.

Writing Your Way Back to Desire

Anna started writing erotica in her early 20s, initially to explore her sexuality safely and to seduce someone specific. What began as personal exploration became a lifelong practice of discovery and connection to her desires.

What struck me most was how she positioned writing as the safest place to explore when real-life relationships didn't feel safe enough. Your journal, your private writing space - that's where you can go anywhere, want anything, explore any fantasy without judgment or pressure.

For women just starting to explore this, Anna's advice is beautifully simple:

• Write for yourself first

• Give yourself full permission without self-censoring

• Start small - even one sentence can capture something essential

• Remember that you're the only expert on what you long for

You don't need to be a "writer" to benefit from putting your desires into words. You just need to be willing to get curious about what's really there.

The Secret Connection Between Creativity and Sexual Energy

One of the most enlightening parts of our conversation was when Anna shared how creativity and sexuality feed each other. When one feels blocked, the other can serve as a pathway back.

She expanded creativity far beyond traditional arts - cooking a beautiful meal, choosing what to wear, arranging your living space, even how you move through your day. All of these involve the same life force energy as sexuality.

During times when her sexuality felt completely shut down, Anna used creative practices like writing, dancing, and music to reconnect with that essential aliveness. Then that creative energy would reopen the door to sexual energy.

This changes everything: When you feel sexually disconnected, you don't have to wait for your libido to magically return. You can activate your creative energy and let it lead you back to your sexual self.

Redefining Pleasure as Freedom

When I asked Anna what pleasure means to her, her answer completely reframed how I think about it. She said pleasure is largely about the absence of guilt and shame - the freedom to fully enjoy who we are and what our bodies are capable of.

This isn't just about feeling good. It's about liberation from the judgments and restrictions that keep us small. When we can let go of shame around our desires, our bodies, our fantasies, that's when real pleasure becomes possible.

Creating Your Own Desire Lines

Anna's book title "Desire Lines" comes from urban planning - those worn paths people create when they refuse to follow prescribed sidewalks. People literally create new routes based on where they actually want to go.

This metaphor is perfect for midlife sexuality. We don't have to follow the paths that culture, religion, or even our younger selves created. We get to ask: Is this path still serving me? If not, where do I actually want to go?

Your sexuality in midlife doesn't have to look like anyone else's. You get to create your own desire lines based on what's true for you now, in this body, at this stage of life.

The Power of Expansion

Perhaps the most important insight from our conversation was Anna's emphasis on expansion versus contraction. So often when we feel uncertain about our sexuality, we contract - we tighten up, shut down, try to control everything.

But pleasure thrives in expansion. When we can breathe, exhale, soften, and allow ourselves to be curious rather than controlling, that's when magic happens.

Your Sexual Story Is Still Being Written

Anna's journey reminds us that sexuality isn't something that peaks in youth and then fades. It's a continuously evolving story that can become richer, more authentic, and more satisfying as we age - if we stay curious, if we give ourselves permission to want what we want, and if we remember that our pleasure matters.

Your sexuality has no expiration date. The changes that come with midlife aren't endings - they're invitations to get curious about what's possible now.

The only question is: what does your desire line look like today?

CONNECT WITH ANNA SANSOM:

Anna Sansom writes about imperfect intimacy and expansive erotica. Her short stories have been published in anthologies and online (including Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 10; and http://TheoReads.com). Anna trained and worked as a sexual surrogate partner in a sex therapy clinic, and wrote the Sex/Life pages for DIVA Magazine (the leading magazine for LGBTQIA+ women and non-binary people) for two years. Her more-than-a-memoir, Desire Lines, shares personal stories as well as erotica and invites you to ask the questions – and explore the answers – which can lead to greater understanding and enjoyment of your unique sexual self. Her latest book, Sex Meets Life (https://sexmeetslife.com), is a collection of personal essays and stories from 17 diverse and international authors writing about what happens to our sex lives when ‘life’ inevitably happens. 

Anna has a PhD in occupational therapy and a serious tea addiction. She loves swimming in the sea and talking to her cats.

• Substack: https://annasansom.substack.com

• Website: https://annasansom.com

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/anna_sansom_writer